You find the darndest things when you travel. You probably recall the commercials that show a young lady deciding it's better to use a Glad-Lock ziplock bag if you're going to be in a phone booth with a bag of bees or when you're going to put a bag of piranhas in your aquarium. But what about the *really* effective commercials you never saw? Blowing across the motel parking lot this morning when I took da streetie out for her walk was the following, stamped REJECTED in big red letters.

GLAD-LOCK bag commercial #7:

[Ornate gardens in front of opera house. Night -- limousines glide to a halt, beautifully dressed people get out. Obviously a gala occasion is beginning.]

[Close up of limousine stopping. Chauffeur and assistant in matching uniforms get out of left and right front doors and open two right rear doors of this stretch vehicle. Mme. Mary Clairy alights from one; she is dressed in black and white, for an evening at the opera. From the other, a beautiful Landseer Newfoundland emerges.]

Voice, off camera: "Mary Clairy doesn't use Glad-Lock ziplock bags".

[The Newf takes a couple of steps off the walk and squats. We cannot see details but the position is distinctive. No one takes the slightest notice except Mme. Clairy who gives her head a small shake. But she's prepared: she takes her 'ordinary' ziplock bag from her clutch evening bag, turns it inside out, slips a hand inside, and steps over to the Newf.]

Voice: "She's about to clean up after her Newfoundland companion with the *ordinary* bag".

[A doorman in livery (an older, very dignified gentleman) steps up to Mme. Clairy, pulls a Glad-Lock bag from the package and extends it to her.]

"Excuse me, Mademoiselle Clairy but we're expecting this evening's performance to be lengthy. May I offer you a *Glad-Lock* ziplock bag with the Yellow and Blue Make Green seal"?

[She's slightly nervous about the decision, but gets it right. We see her stoop slightly, make a scooping motion, run her fingers along the top of the well filled bag (we can't see the contents), and deposit it in her clutch bag. She glides off up the walk, the Landseer in a faultless heel position, no leash. She smiles for photographers, says a word or two to her companion as flashbulbs pop.]

[Cut to scene inside opera house. Mme. Clairy is seated in the front row. The Landseer occupies a section of floor next to her, where two seats have been removed and a natural sheepskin laid down. As the fat lady steps forward on the stage, Mme Clairy is relaxing with the bulging clutch on her lap; the Landseer raises his head.]

Voice: "Glad-Lock ziplock bags. When an ordinary bag just won't do".

[Fade]

Across the bottom of the page someone has scrawled "NO! No matter how well trained, the dog SHOULD BE LEASHED in public!"


Originally written by Walt Hutchens <WALTAH@DELPHI.COM>, HTML conversion by Farokh Irani


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